In a Funky Mood

Blah.

I'm suppose to be working on my homework that is due tomorrow. I still have four assignments. FOUR! The bad part...they are super easy compared to the last class but I can't seem to bring myself to do them.

Silly, isn't it? Once I complete them I can done with school until January 10th. Yep, I'll have over a month free but apparently that's not enough motivation to get me going.

Neither is the housewarming party I want to go to this evening that I will have to skip so I can work on homework instead. I'd really like to go too but I just can't seem to get my butt into gear.

I've already missed two other parties due to having to do homework. At least I didn't feel like a total shlump with those though because I was re-listening to my classes and taking exams.

I wonder if I burnt myself out a bit with all the shows, efw, cib, school, family crap and then my regular day job on top of it. I've been going non stop since the beginning of October but two months seems pretty quick to get burnt out.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being lazy.

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Not sure why but after I typed the first part of this post I started working on one of my assignments. Granted, first I finished up some pendants I was working on and then I felt the need to stop and doodle this sad little doodle:



but then I started working on an assignment and I think I discovered my problem. The assignments are simply too easy.

Hopefully by typing this I won't be jinxing myself when my next class starts but I was sitting there typing up the essay just marveling how how simple it was. Every single paragraph is fact, relate, answer. It's boring. *Watch me say this and then completely bomb the assignments! How humiliating would that be?*

No wonder I kept putting it off! If it's a challenge I have to work on the essays for weeks which I had to last class but this time around, nope. Maybe I should have started with this class...

Be Back Soon

I'll be taking a blogging break for the next few weeks. I have a commission piece due, my class homework due and shows every weekend this month.

I'll be back once things slow down a bit.

Family Reunion

Last week was one of the more stressful weeks I've had in a long while. Between my Grandfather's passing to dealing with my little brother's mess to meeting up with estranged family members to dealing with more of my little brother's mess by Thursday night I ended up breaking out in hives and continued to itch until Saturday morning.

All in all, Grandpa's passing turned out to be a bit of a blessing in disguise. It may sound a bit callous since he only passed away a little over a week ago but keep in mind I hadn't seen anyone on that side of the family since I was thirteen and my brother about fifteen or sixteen. I feel guilt over not going to visit him more than anything.

Arin and I weren't sure how we would be accepted at the funeral by my Dad's side of the family. To our surprise and shock we were welcomed. We sat up front with the family and were asked to partake in the usual funeral proceedings. Later we ate and spent the evening over at my aunt's house. It's funny how death can change things.

L to R: My brother Arin, my Dad and me

While seeing everyone was great I didn't think about how much it would bring back to the surface. I had dealt with this and moved on the best I could a long time ago. I spent the whole next day overemotional and feeling drained.

I had forgotten how much I adored my aunt. I always related to her quirky personality and seeing her again it was no different. She was the one person out of everyone there(well aside from my brother) that I didn't feel uncomfortable around.

The others seemed a little uneasy as well. My stepmother and sister were there and my uncle and cousin. I know for a fact my cousin doesn't remember me and I question how much my sister remembers me.

I don't know that my sister took things very well. She seemed okay but then later that evening I checked to see if she had posted any of the pictures she was talking about and discovered she had deleted me as a friend. I wonder how it was on her end taking things in.

I can see her having a little trouble adjusting. She's been the only daughter in the household since she was two and the only child since she was about eight or nine.


L to R: Me, my brother Arin, my aunt Dianne, and cousin, Brittany

Now Dad - Dad you could see was trying really hard and he truly seemed sincere when he talked to us. It was good to see him again. He said he wants to have a relationship with us and I want to believe it and I want to have one with him but I don't trust it. I feel awful that's my initial reaction but it is.

It ticks me off that this is all affecting me in this way too. I feel almost like I'm a twelve year old again looking for Daddy's approval. Hell, I'm crying as I type this post.

I ended up writing Dad an email the next day letting him know my view of things growing up so he would understand my personality a little better if we continue to have a relationship after this. I tend to be a bit guarded and untrusting when people are unfamiliar to me, especially when I'm afraid of getting hurt.

The sad part is the more my brother and I talk about things Mom did or said the less I know how much Dad knew. I'm not saying he's completely innocent in it all but I can definitely see cause for reasonable doubt. I'm trying my best to let the past be the past. In hindsight, the email may not have been the most brilliant thing to do or the best timing since Grandpa had just passed away but I feel it was important that he know.

I wonder how much of this mess could have been avoided if everyone had just been straightforward and told the truth. Not quite the way it works in the real world though.